Those "Family" Photos of Yours

Hey Mike,

How's the family? It's been awhile since I've heard anything about the clan.

I bet little Darin must be, what, six feet tall by now? I tell ya, if that kid doesn't turn out to be a starter for the Knicks I'll be downright shocked! And I'm sure Emma's 5 going on 20, right? (Hopefully she's not begging you to buy her makeup just yet!) Enjoy 'em while they're young Mike because, trust me, before you know it they'll be going off to college and getting married.

Speaking of which, how's the wife? You guys still taking annual trips out to the beach? I swear every time I'm in your office I see another picture of you guys having fun in the sand, trouncing around in your matching white outfits. Living the dream! Am I right?

Literally, though, you're kind of living a dream. Seriously. Wake the fuck up, man. Those family pictures you have spread all around your office...they're not pictures of your actual family. (If you even have one, that is.) They're stock photos that you grabbed off the internet, right? I didn't realize it at first, but I'm fairly certain each and every family portrait you have in your office was pulled off Getty Images. And I can prove it:

See? Boom! Those are the two you have featured most prominently. You make sure to point 'em out to everyone 4 to 6 times a day. And, sure, you bear a passing resemblance to the "dad" in those photos, but when you get up close you can plainly see the guy has much better hair, a much smaller gut, and he's Italian. And if you had just left it at those couple of pictures, I'm sure you could've continued fooling everyone in the office. We would've all just been like, "Yeah, that Mike really gets out to the beach a lot, huh?" Even though you never seem to have a tan...

But there's more:

First, let me say props to you on sticking with the outdoor theme. That was good. But picking a more handsome man to emulate may have been your downfall. And, although I don't look at the world strictly through a colored lens, how did you not expect people to notice that your wife and your son suddenly changed ethnicity? Really man, the glare doesn't hide that. (Oh, congratulations on the baby you never told anyone about, by the way. That makes sense.) But, of course, it gets much worse than that:

I see what you were trying to do here, stuffing everyone into the background so that we'd really have to squint at the people to notice that all of them are black. If someone questioned it, you could have turned it around on them and labeled them racists, and they would have backed off for fear of being named the office bigot. But I don't think that's an option with this one:

C'mon, dude! Now I just think you're trying to get caught. You're practically daring people to point out how incredibly Asian this family is! Unless you come from a long line of Changelings, you're just being obnoxious. I realize you're a big Bruce Lee fan, but you can't think watching Enter the Dragon a few times has actually turned you into one of his kin, do you?

Listen, I'm not pointing this out to be rude or to insult you or anything like that. I'm honestly quite worried that you might be a pathological liar and, worse, you think you're part of some outreach program that employs only the blind. Let me assure you this is not the case. We all have pretty clear vision and we can all see that you're looney as fuck.

Do yourself a favor: take the photos down. Or at least be more consistent about it.

Say hi to the "kids" for me,
Your coworker


The Smell Smelled 'Round the World


I think you left a part of yourself in the bathroom this morning. And it's the part of you that smells really bad. You might want to go back and take care of that.

Your coworker


Give Me Some (Office) Space


Let's get a few things straight:

  • No, I don't have a case of "the Mondays." It bums me out to no end when you keep suggesting I do.
  • I don't know what "PC Load Letter" means, or if that error message even comes up on our printer. In similar regard, I have no idea why it tells you there's a paper jam when there is, in fact, no paper jam.
  • We don't have anything called TPS Reports around here. Please stop complaining about them as they are fictional and, thus, not worth complaining about.
  • Whatever the hell it is you keep mumbling about your stapler...just stop. No one can understand you. And no one knows of your stapler's whereabouts. You probably just lost the goddamn thing.
  • Yeah, I guess Michael Bolton is a no-talent ass-clown. I don't know what else you want me to say on the matter.
  • And dear God, if you don't stop telling people you're going to "show that chick from Logistics my O-Face," HR is definitely going to fire you for sexual harassment.
Garrett, what I'm trying to say is this isn't Office Space, all right. No matter how badly you want your shitty cubicle job to be a quirky, endlessly quotable movie, it's never going to be. I suggest you face the fact that this boring, dead-end job of yours is just that: a job. Nothing more. It doesn't star the underrated and incomparable Ron Livingston. It doesn't have a surrealistic ending where everything works out fine for the main characters despite all their felony-worthy shenanigans. It ends with you eventually retiring...or dying, since you have that heart thing. And it lasts a hell of a lot longer than two hours.

Replace the Post-Its with my urine and this will be you if you don't shut up.

Fuckin' A,
Your coworker

P.S. Stop trying to stick those annoying pins on me. I don't want any of your stupid fucking "pieces of flair." It's not funny and if you prick me with one again it's going straight up your pee hole.