About That Blood

Attention coworkers:

Does anyone know how to get dried blood off the copying mechanism of the copier? Anyone? Seriously, any amateur cleaning advice would be greatly appreciated at this point in time.

Club soda had no effect. Neither did fresher, wetter blood. Turns out they do not, in fact, cancel each other out as one might hope.

On an unrelated note, if anyone is out there thinks that seahorses are small enough to just slide through the double-sided copying tray without issue...you would be wrong.

Please and thank you,
Your coworker


Where Did All the Pens Go?

Seriously guys. What's going on here?

Every time I go to write something, there are no pens around. Where are all the pens? I shouldn't have to take a blood oath just so I can finish signing my name. I have a long name, too, you assholes. That's a lot of blood. I'd much rather use a pen.

Is there some hidden receptacle where all our pens go? Do we lose a pen every time the radio plays "Call Me Maybe"? Because I'll change the station. I'll do it. There are other radio stations that don't play that song. Not many, but they exist.

Just like the pens. There's not many, but they DO exist! They're not mythical creatures. I've seen them around our workplace. Speaking of quantity...

Let's suppose everyone who works here uses a new pen every other day. Even then, we'd be down only thirty, maybe forty pens a week. Now, I don't know the exact lifespan of a writing utensil, but if I was forced to give my expert opinion, I'd say it should last longer than a Cialis-infused erection. (The key difference is that we don't need to call a doctor if the pen still works after 6 hours.)

Help me out here guys. Where do they all go? Does someone here need pens for their off -Broadway production of "Luck Be a Ballpoint?" Is someone using them as props in their disappearing act? If so, congratulations! You're a terrific magician! But you're a shitty coworker.

My point is, I'm sick of scavenging for writing utensils like a pre-wintertime squirrel. I shouldn't have to  hoard all that sweet, sweet ink, bloating my pockets with clicky tops and twisty bottoms on the chance that I were to walk over to the pen jar and find it as depressingly empty as the soul of whoever's been thieving all of our Paper Mates!

Unless...is everyone hoarding the pens? Is there now an expectation that the pen jar will be vacant, causing us all to collect pens like kids in the 80s collected Pogs? Is that what we've become? POG COLLECTORS?

Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm coming into work tomorrow with two boxes of Bics. And if by the end of the week, there's at least one pen from that batch remaining, we're going to have a pizza party. Sound good?

So, the decision's yours: pizza or pen. Make the right choice, dummies.

- Your coworker