Tone It Down, New Guy

New Guy,

Hi there. Let me start off by welcoming you to the fray. I'm sure you'll find the working environment here to be adequate and the people to be...here, most of the time.

As the new guy, I'm sure you have a whole bunch of questions about the lay of the land. What does what? Who does who? Why does everyone treat pens like they're made of gold? That sort of thing. But just relax for now. You need to learn the day-to-day before you start trying to change the world. Dip those toes-ies in the shallow end a little before you cannonball, hit your head on the bottom of the pool, break your skull, pass out and drown.

Because the more questions you ask, the more you'll know. And the more you know, the more you'll want to drink yourself to death. (Drowning your sorrows in bourbon is one thing, but literally drowning your lungs in bourbon is another.)

Right now you have the confident swagger of someone so brimming with ideals that they're practically falling out of your butt. It's to be expected. Around here we call that "The 6 Month Sincerity Strut." This is all new. You're untested. The world is your oyster and you are going to pee all over it. Right? Not so fast, honky tonk. Because I can assure you one thing: There is nowhere you think you can pee that I haven't already whizzed on a million times over. Catch my drift?

That sincerity and enthusiasm will quickly fade. I had it once. And while I hate to be the one to break this to you, I feel it's my duty to warn you about the giant pit of hissing snakes you're walking directly toward. If you don't pump the brakes and change your course, you're going to get bit. Hard and often.

If you will indulge me for a moment, I'd like to offer a few suggestions on how you can both improve your time at this company and also keep everyone from wanting to throw you off a very tall ledge onto avery jagged, knife-filled surface.

  1. Take it slow, Idaho. Remember who won the race between the Tortoise and the Hare? Imagine yourself as the Tortoise and this new job of yours is a race to your own grave. You can sprint there, sure, but wouldn't you rather extend the race by strolling along the track, taking in the scenery, and eating a lot of sandwiches on a lot of unauthorized snack breaks?
  2. In your first month, don't send emails to all of your coworkers telling them what to do and what not to do. That's just dumb. 
  3. Don't be dumb.
  4. If you ever feel like Anthony is looking at you like you're a piece of meat, know that Anthony is literally looking at you like you're a piece of meat. He probably wants to eat you. Stay away from Anthony.
  5. Understand that no one likes a man who appears too big for his britches. Be comfortable in the pants your current position dictates you wear. Don't try to wear pants that are outside your scope of responsibilities.
  6. Understand that no one likes it when you use the word "britches." Or use pants as an analogy to describe someone's sense of self importance.

But seriously, you're new. Don't act like you know more than the rest of us. Allow me to use a more fitting, pants-less analogy:

If you do not yet have your driver's license, and are in the passenger seat trying to learn how this whole vehicle manipulation thing works, it's important to simply sit and observe. Ask questions if you'd like. And if you believe you somehow know more than the person driving (even though you've never operated a motor carriage before), I suppose you can silently disagree with them. But DO NOT grab the steering wheel and attempt to turn the car around because you feel they are driving in the wrong direction. That's a good way to get kicked out of a moving vehicle.

Or, as my good friend Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson would say: Know your role and shut your mouth. Jabroni.

Hope these suggestions find you before Anthony takes a bite out of your calf.

- Your Coworker


Butt Fridge

Dear Breakroom Fridge,

You stink like butts.

And ham. Always ham.

Like this. But smellier.
Get it together.

Someone Who Wants to Be Back Inside You