You Don't Bring Me Coffee.

Dear Coworker,

I've recently become something of a Twitter fiend. (It's ok, it's not gravely serious yet. I only post when I'm riding the bus or taking a poop my dog for a walk.) And one thing I've noticed in my tweeting adventures is how many people love to write "That awkward moment when..." even though the thing that follows is rarely awkward and the sentence itself makes no goddamn structural sense!

Ahem. Sorry.

Another thing I've noticed is this trend where people talk about their coworkers in a good way. Can you believe that shit? They say nice things about each other. They commend one another on the excellent work they did that day or say "thanks for helping me out" with a bunch of meaningless hashtags slapped onto the end of it. (They're not the most eloquent messages, but the sweetness more than makes up for it.)

And more often than not, if you search for the word "coworker" on Twitter, there is an abundance of people bringing their coworkers coffee. Real coffee. In a cup. Not a half-empty cappuccino that was sitting next to a trash can with lipstick marks on the lid. Fresh from the cafe, 100% real friggin' coffee. Sometimes with cream and sugar.

They don't even ask! They just do it!

Naked Mermaid Mocha. On your desk!
Can you imagine? Walking into work, blurry-eyed and barely breathing only to see a glorious cup of piping hot caffeine awaiting you with a little note that says "Got this 4 u just cuz." How happy would you be???? (A little disappointed in their use of social media abbreviations on a real world piece of paper,  BUT STILL!)

This is a call to you, coworker. Bring me coffee. Just do it. It would make my day.

Your Coworker

P.S. I hope you don't think I'm going to bring you coffee now. That's not part of the deal. #Sorry #OneSided #KeepingItReal #Winning #SorryAgainIKnowThisIsIrritating


Move Your Ass. Literally.

Dear coworker,

I can constantly see the crack in your butt. Always. It's never not visible. You should do something about that.

Or not. Whatever, it's your butt I guess.

But just know that everyone can see it. And nobody wants to. But if you keep it this conspicuous we'll have no choice but to look at it. We can't look away. It's gross, yes, but it's also entrancing in a very peculiar way.

You know those Magic Eye puzzles that were all the rage in middle school? Well, the crack of your butt is nothing like those. But we were all hoping that if you were going to keep the tip of butt mountain outside of your pants that maybe you could glue one of those Magic Eye puzzles overtop it so that we would feel less awkward about staring in that general vicinity for such a long time.

Oh, and your fly is down. You hot mess, you.

All the butts best,
Your coworker