The Clocks Made Me Late.

Dear Coworker,

Clocks. They're one of modern nature's most confounding tools, aren't they? There are so many elements involved. Numbers, sometimes multiple ticker things if you're still using analog, and even...more numbers. It's a complex system.

But it's one you should probably learn. Otherwise, you'll continue being late for your shifts and people will continue their hatred of your stupid, non-time-telling guts.

So I thought I could help you learn the intricacies of the procedure with a handy tutorial. And, hey, this isn't coming from a place of judgment or condescension. I've certainly found the "Which Numbers Will Show Up Next?" game a difficult one to master now and again--though I was typically face deep into my third boot at the time.

"What time is it? It's beer o'clock!!"
"Oh, seriously? I dunno, I dropped my phone in the boot."

Here are some basic steps for reading that mysterious object on the wall:

1. An "hour" contains 60 minutes. (Not the television program.) A "minute" contains 60 seconds. (Unrelated to the Nicolas Cage film.) A "second" probably contains other, smaller, measurements of time. But who fucking cares about those things, right? We're not scientists, after all.
2. Prior to the start of your assigned shift, check your schedule (oftentimes, this is laid out on a "calendar," which you should just Wikipedia or something because I don't have all day ((24 hours)) to  explain this) to see when you work next. Which day of the week? Which hours of the day? 
3. Now that you know the exact date and time of your intended work arrival, simply count backwards from that hour until you reach the date and time you are currently experiencing. You now have exactly that long to get to work.
4. You don't really need to read a fourth step, do you? This foolish bit of pretend has gone on for too long, as it is. You're a fucking adult and you need to be to work on time. So fucking do it. There. There's your goddamn fourth step.

This message will self-destruct in 60 seconds*,
Your coworker


*Hope you learned to tell time by the end of this note. Fuck face.