Coworkers,
The goddamn pens are gone again.
Are we serious with this? Who's got 'em? WHO IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY HAS THE PENS?
Okay. I lost my cool there for a second. I'd like to apologize for that. I don't mean to be angry. I would just like to know where those darn pens wind up at the end of the day. Ya know? And it would please me so much if you would BRING BACK SOME FUCKING PENS!
Black ink, red ink...fill them with indigo-dyed semen if you want. I don't care! Just give them to me so I can stop scavenging the workplace like a junkie who's suddenly lost every speck of crack that has ever existed in the world.
I will
give any one of you a dollar if you can provide me footage of the
dick-fart who is stuffing their pockets full of our pens. Provide me with that footage and I will not have to CUT YOU ALL.
If I do not have a legitimate, non-gnawed-on pen in my hands within 24 hours, your world will be ended.
Thank you and have a nice day.
- Your coworker
Proof that the workforce breeds equal amounts cruelty and stupidity.
7/11/2013
6/24/2013
If The Sky Is Dark, It's Still Nighttime. Dickface.
Hey Boss,
I'm going to need you to stop calling me at 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I love a good early morning wake-up call as much as the next guy--especially since my REM cycle was already destroyed from the routine drunk calls I receive from my mentally unstable exes--but maybe you should just wait a few hours.
And I get the rationale. You want me to come into work early to do...something, I suppose. (Never sure what that is, but it always involves the word "coverage.") And the only way to alert me of this need is to call me at 5 o'clock in the morning, because you clearly don't have a more logical back-up plan in place for this kind of situation. (Don't worry, you've only been doing this for 11 months. That's not even a full year to figure out what the words "on-call" mean. It takes at least twice that time and a whole slew of charts to fully grasp this outlandish concept.)
But if you call me at 5 A.M., I then have to throw my phone against the closest available surface, where it shatters into a thousand glorious pieces, thus disengaging the alarms I've set to wake me up for work. So now there's a good chance I'm actually going to come in late rather than early.
And that's on you.
So, the next time you consider dialing my number before sunrise, I want you to think about the chain reaction that will ensue. Then I want you to throw your phone against a nearby surface so that you can't wake anybody else up that day. Otherwise, I'm going to start calling you at 3 A.M.--I'll already be up debating the merits of something called "fork stumping" with my very sensible ex--and tell you not to call me in two hours.
Cool?
Cool.
- Your unnecessarily tired employee
I'm going to need you to stop calling me at 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I love a good early morning wake-up call as much as the next guy--especially since my REM cycle was already destroyed from the routine drunk calls I receive from my mentally unstable exes--but maybe you should just wait a few hours.
And I get the rationale. You want me to come into work early to do...something, I suppose. (Never sure what that is, but it always involves the word "coverage.") And the only way to alert me of this need is to call me at 5 o'clock in the morning, because you clearly don't have a more logical back-up plan in place for this kind of situation. (Don't worry, you've only been doing this for 11 months. That's not even a full year to figure out what the words "on-call" mean. It takes at least twice that time and a whole slew of charts to fully grasp this outlandish concept.)
But if you call me at 5 A.M., I then have to throw my phone against the closest available surface, where it shatters into a thousand glorious pieces, thus disengaging the alarms I've set to wake me up for work. So now there's a good chance I'm actually going to come in late rather than early.
And that's on you.
So, the next time you consider dialing my number before sunrise, I want you to think about the chain reaction that will ensue. Then I want you to throw your phone against a nearby surface so that you can't wake anybody else up that day. Otherwise, I'm going to start calling you at 3 A.M.--I'll already be up debating the merits of something called "fork stumping" with my very sensible ex--and tell you not to call me in two hours.
Cool?
Cool.
- Your unnecessarily tired employee
6/04/2013
I Owe Your Face an Apology
Sharon,
I owe you an apology. The other day when I told you that "Your incompetence and fuck up-ery is equal only to the ugliness of that thing you call a face..." That was wrong. I shouldn't have said that.
After much deliberation with HR, I realize now that what I should have said was "Your incredible aptitude for ruining everything I might have tolerated about a given day remains your ugliest attribute. Except for that thing you call a face."
They tell me it's all in the wording.
Sorry,
Your coworker
I owe you an apology. The other day when I told you that "Your incompetence and fuck up-ery is equal only to the ugliness of that thing you call a face..." That was wrong. I shouldn't have said that.
After much deliberation with HR, I realize now that what I should have said was "Your incredible aptitude for ruining everything I might have tolerated about a given day remains your ugliest attribute. Except for that thing you call a face."
They tell me it's all in the wording.
Sorry,
Your coworker
4/26/2013
How Does One Schedule Madness?
Hey boss,
I just wanted to express my sincerest empathy to you regarding this whole schedule reorganization thing. I know that overhauling all of our work schedules is a difficult task. I've also heard all the chatter from the other employees about how your new scheduling practices are "inconsistent" and "constantly perplexing" and "ruining everyone's lives" and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Some people just like to complain, I guess.
I, on the other hand, totally get why you're changing to this more free-wheelin' or "random" system, as others have called it. It's all in the suspense!
Remember when we'd get our monthly schedules issued to us two weeks in advance--almost like clockwork--and those schedules would have consistent shift patterns? There was no drama in that, whatsoever. Talk about BO-RING! Am I right?
I really enjoy the tension. The waiting. The pondering. The more waiting. The hoping that I'm not the one who has to work 13 shifts in one week. The even more waiting...
It's just like being on a game show, except the prize isn't a new car or a tasteful outdoor patio set. The prize is not having to work during my niece's school play that I requested off three months ago.
All in all, I don't think there's anything too complicated about our new schedules. Take mine, for example:
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, I work in the morning, at 6:30, 7:30, and 7:18 respectively.
Tuesdays I work night shifts usually starting at 2:30, but possibly at 4:30, depending on what phase the moon cycle is in.
Fridays I have half a day off, unless someone calls in sick, in which case I work 19 hours and then come in the following day at noon to correct any errors I made the day before.
Every other weekend I work one morning shift and one night shift, obviously. Unless it's the last weekend of the month, in which case I simply call you each morning and have you tell me what time to come in and whether I need to bring lunch for the office.
April Fool's Day I get the day off and you pay for my all-inclusive trip to Jamaica, where I simply work from my company bungalow. (You compensate me for that annually on February 30th, from what I understand.)
The night of the EMMYs I work half a shift in the morning and half a shift at night, unless of course Adele sweeps all the categories she was nominated in, because then I stay overnight.
It's. So. Simple! I can't believe people actually complain about this kind of stuff. What's next, people whining about the lack of locks for our lockers?? (Although, I gotta admit, that would be a lot of fun to say out loud.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: keep up the good work and don't let a bunch of cry-babies get you all worked up over the little details.
Dependably yours,
Your employee
I just wanted to express my sincerest empathy to you regarding this whole schedule reorganization thing. I know that overhauling all of our work schedules is a difficult task. I've also heard all the chatter from the other employees about how your new scheduling practices are "inconsistent" and "constantly perplexing" and "ruining everyone's lives" and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Some people just like to complain, I guess.
I, on the other hand, totally get why you're changing to this more free-wheelin' or "random" system, as others have called it. It's all in the suspense!
Remember when we'd get our monthly schedules issued to us two weeks in advance--almost like clockwork--and those schedules would have consistent shift patterns? There was no drama in that, whatsoever. Talk about BO-RING! Am I right?
I really enjoy the tension. The waiting. The pondering. The more waiting. The hoping that I'm not the one who has to work 13 shifts in one week. The even more waiting...
It's just like being on a game show, except the prize isn't a new car or a tasteful outdoor patio set. The prize is not having to work during my niece's school play that I requested off three months ago.
All in all, I don't think there's anything too complicated about our new schedules. Take mine, for example:
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, I work in the morning, at 6:30, 7:30, and 7:18 respectively.
Tuesdays I work night shifts usually starting at 2:30, but possibly at 4:30, depending on what phase the moon cycle is in.
Fridays I have half a day off, unless someone calls in sick, in which case I work 19 hours and then come in the following day at noon to correct any errors I made the day before.
Every other weekend I work one morning shift and one night shift, obviously. Unless it's the last weekend of the month, in which case I simply call you each morning and have you tell me what time to come in and whether I need to bring lunch for the office.
April Fool's Day I get the day off and you pay for my all-inclusive trip to Jamaica, where I simply work from my company bungalow. (You compensate me for that annually on February 30th, from what I understand.)
The night of the EMMYs I work half a shift in the morning and half a shift at night, unless of course Adele sweeps all the categories she was nominated in, because then I stay overnight.
It's. So. Simple! I can't believe people actually complain about this kind of stuff. What's next, people whining about the lack of locks for our lockers?? (Although, I gotta admit, that would be a lot of fun to say out loud.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: keep up the good work and don't let a bunch of cry-babies get you all worked up over the little details.
Dependably yours,
Your employee
4/09/2013
Too Good to Be True?
Coworkers,
Hmm. I'm not really sure what to say to you guys right now. You've all been so...pleasant? Is that--yeah, I suppose that's the right word. Pleasant. And hard-working.
Hmm.
You've been so good that I wonder if I've fallen into a coma, or if I've been staring into a snow globe this past month while your kind acts and overall non-butthole-ishness were all taking place in my head. You know, like St. Elsewhere? But less eventful and I don't have autism...
Am I getting Punk'D? Is this one of those things where you lull me into a false sense of security, only to come back with something harder and stronger and stupider than ever before? Because, if so, I feel like you should tell me that. I know that would seem counter-intuitive to your big surprise douchebaggery, but rest assured, if that happens and you DIDN'T warn me, I'll literally cut off all your genitalia, put it in a box, and donate it to Goodwill. Because I don't play. But I do give to charity.
Anywho, hope we can keep this streak going. Because there's something about leaving work and not wanting to commit a serious felony that is so...refreshing.
Appreciatively,
Your coworker
Hmm. I'm not really sure what to say to you guys right now. You've all been so...pleasant? Is that--yeah, I suppose that's the right word. Pleasant. And hard-working.
Hmm.
You've been so good that I wonder if I've fallen into a coma, or if I've been staring into a snow globe this past month while your kind acts and overall non-butthole-ishness were all taking place in my head. You know, like St. Elsewhere? But less eventful and I don't have autism...
Am I getting Punk'D? Is this one of those things where you lull me into a false sense of security, only to come back with something harder and stronger and stupider than ever before? Because, if so, I feel like you should tell me that. I know that would seem counter-intuitive to your big surprise douchebaggery, but rest assured, if that happens and you DIDN'T warn me, I'll literally cut off all your genitalia, put it in a box, and donate it to Goodwill. Because I don't play. But I do give to charity.
Anywho, hope we can keep this streak going. Because there's something about leaving work and not wanting to commit a serious felony that is so...refreshing.
Appreciatively,
Your coworker
3/07/2013
Pee Poem
A poem, dedicated to the neanderthals who haven't entirely figured out how all the trappings of the employee restrooms work...
Six hours in, I can't contain it anymore
My body's breaking, my bladder's sore
I'm making a break for it
I'm taking a break to make a deposit
Oh
Oh, eww
I just wanted to engage in some brief reflection
Let this out so I don't get a urinary infection
I needed a little me time
A little pee time would be so fine
Oh
Oh, eww
Is that...?
But before I can release I look down
I was almost at peace but now I frown
Because directly below me
Is a whole lotta pee, don't you agree?
Oh
Oh, eww
Yeah, that definitely is, isn't it?
Oh Christ
It's on the ground
It's in AND around
The seat that no one should sit on
Because there's pee there
There's pee there, you guys
Seriously
- Your coworker
Six hours in, I can't contain it anymore
My body's breaking, my bladder's sore
I'm making a break for it
I'm taking a break to make a deposit
Oh
Oh, eww
I just wanted to engage in some brief reflection
Let this out so I don't get a urinary infection
I needed a little me time
A little pee time would be so fine
Oh
Oh, eww
Is that...?
But before I can release I look down
I was almost at peace but now I frown
Because directly below me
Is a whole lotta pee, don't you agree?
Oh
Oh, eww
Yeah, that definitely is, isn't it?
Oh Christ
It's on the ground
It's in AND around
The seat that no one should sit on
Because there's pee there
There's pee there, you guys
Seriously
- Your coworker
1/27/2013
About That Blood
Attention coworkers:
Does anyone know how to get dried blood off the copying mechanism of the copier? Anyone? Seriously, any amateur cleaning advice would be greatly appreciated at this point in time.
Club soda had no effect. Neither did fresher, wetter blood. Turns out they do not, in fact, cancel each other out as one might hope.
On an unrelated note, if anyone is out there thinks that seahorses are small enough to just slide through the double-sided copying tray without issue...you would be wrong.
Please and thank you,
Your coworker
Does anyone know how to get dried blood off the copying mechanism of the copier? Anyone? Seriously, any amateur cleaning advice would be greatly appreciated at this point in time.
Club soda had no effect. Neither did fresher, wetter blood. Turns out they do not, in fact, cancel each other out as one might hope.
On an unrelated note, if anyone is out there thinks that seahorses are small enough to just slide through the double-sided copying tray without issue...you would be wrong.
Please and thank you,
Your coworker
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