How Does One Schedule Madness?

Hey boss,

I just wanted to express my sincerest empathy to you regarding this whole schedule reorganization thing. I know that overhauling all of our work schedules is a difficult task. I've also heard all the chatter from the other employees about how your new scheduling practices are "inconsistent" and "constantly perplexing" and "ruining everyone's lives" and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Some people just like to complain, I guess.

I, on the other hand, totally get why you're changing to this more free-wheelin' or "random" system, as others have called it. It's all in the suspense!

Remember when we'd get our monthly schedules issued to us two weeks in advance--almost like clockwork--and those schedules would have consistent shift patterns? There was no drama in that, whatsoever. Talk about BO-RING! Am I right?

I really enjoy the tension. The waiting. The pondering. The more waiting. The hoping that I'm not the one who has to work 13 shifts in one week. The even more waiting...

It's just like being on a game show, except the prize isn't a new car or a tasteful outdoor patio set. The prize is not having to work during my niece's school play that I requested off three months ago.

All in all, I don't think there's anything too complicated about our new schedules. Take mine, for example:

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, I work in the morning, at 6:30, 7:30, and 7:18 respectively.
Tuesdays I work night shifts usually starting at 2:30, but possibly at 4:30, depending on what phase the moon cycle is in.
Fridays I have half a day off, unless someone calls in sick, in which case I work 19 hours and then come in the following day at noon to correct any errors I made the day before.
Every other weekend I work one morning shift and one night shift, obviously. Unless it's the last weekend of the month, in which case I simply call you each morning and have you tell me what time to come in and whether I need to bring lunch for the office.
April Fool's Day I get the day off and you pay for my all-inclusive trip to Jamaica, where I simply work from my company bungalow. (You compensate me for that annually on February 30th, from what I understand.)
The night of the EMMYs I work half a shift in the morning and half a shift at night, unless of course Adele sweeps all the categories she was nominated in, because then I stay overnight.

It's. So. Simple! I can't believe people actually complain about this kind of stuff. What's next, people whining about the lack of locks for our lockers?? (Although, I gotta admit, that would be a lot of fun to say out loud.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: keep up the good work and don't let a bunch of cry-babies get you all worked up over the little details.

Dependably yours,
Your employee

Too Good to Be True?

Coworkers,

Hmm. I'm not really sure what to say to you guys right now. You've all been so...pleasant? Is that--yeah, I suppose that's the right word. Pleasant. And hard-working.

Hmm.

You've been so good that I wonder if I've fallen into a coma, or if I've been staring into a snow globe this past month while your kind acts and overall non-butthole-ishness were all taking place in my head. You know, like St. Elsewhere? But less eventful and I don't have autism...

Am I getting Punk'D? Is this one of those things where you lull me into a false sense of security, only to come back with something harder and stronger and stupider than ever before? Because, if so, I feel like you should tell me that. I know that would seem counter-intuitive to your big surprise douchebaggery, but rest assured, if that happens and you DIDN'T warn me, I'll literally cut off all your genitalia, put it in a box, and donate it to Goodwill. Because I don't play. But I do give to charity.

Anywho, hope we can keep this streak going. Because there's something about leaving work and not wanting to commit a serious felony that is so...refreshing.

Appreciatively,
Your coworker