Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals


I do not care if you celebrate Christmas. I do not care if you celebrate Kwanza. I do not care if you celebrate Hanukkah. (Or Chanukah. Or Nun-chucks.) I don't even care if you acknowledge that January 1st signifies the beginning of a new year. Maybe you think the year starts with the first melting of snow or that it restarts every time you microwave a batch of pizza rolls. I'm fine with it all.

Just please keep your mouth shut about the whole Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas turf war. I don't care. You shouldn't care. None of us should even be talking about this because it's a non-controversy. (A nontroversy, if you like.)

If you greet me by saying "Happy Holidays," I won't take offense that I don't celebrate all of the holidays. I celebrate some of them, and I get the idea. And if I accidentally slip a "Merry Christmas" to you, and you don't celebrate the holiday, I expect nothing, not even a polite head nod, in return. You can even tell me to go suck Kris Kringle's jolly ding dong if you want. But don't talk my ear off about how ethnocentricity is ruining the fabric of American society. (I'd probably even agree with you, I just don't want to discuss it.)

Does Santa come down your chimney wearing a velour jumpsuit or does Krampus come crashing through your window to stuff you in his demonic sack? Who cares? It's like asking if I'd prefer diamond-studded rocket ships or a dozen Heidi Klum clones as my personal attendants. They're both wildly improbable figments my imagination, so what's the point in debating it?

Bah fucking humbug,
Your Coworker

P.S. I have 12 identical ideas for late Christmas gifts, if anyone is interested.


Do You Want That Now? Or Just Now? How About...NOW?


Now. Pronto. Immediately. ASAP. Stat. At once. Straightaway. Posthaste. This instant. Make it snappy. Quickly. Quicker. YOU HAVE TO GO QUICKER!

Say it however you want, you're not getting this goddamn report any faster. I know this time of the year tends to give people grand ideas, but I'm not a magical elf. (Not even a regular one, in fact.) When you give me something to do that takes approximately one hour to execute, you have to then wait at least nine minutes before you start harassing me about why it hasn't been finished.

Don't get me wrong, once that ninth minute passes you have every reason to berate me like a dog that just shit on your favorite facial feature. Because who the fuck takes nine minutes to perform a task that normally takes 60 of those same minutes? A real piece of shit, that's who!

So at least we're on the same page with that.

But still, I'd really appreciate it if you could give me an opportunity to do the goddamn thing you just told me to do. It would certainly be mutually beneficial.

So kindly leave me alone. Now. Pronto. Swiftly. Chop, chop. Lickety-split. Double time it. Rapido! Fuck off. Faster! YOU HAVE TO FUCK OFF FASTER!

Your Coworker