An Apology to My Contestants...and To My Prize

Dear Turd Bucket,

I've been told I have to formally apologize to you for offering to give you away as part of a promotion for my blog. It turns out our Human Resources department has something against promising one of their employees will be gifted to a "winner" under the vague terms of "indentured servitude."

That sounds like a real bucket of turds to me. What do you think, turd bucket? Do you think it was a good decision to take this to HR, or do you regret that decision like you probably regret everything you've done since you shot out of your mother's unfortunate womb all those years ago?

I hope you're happy. You cost one lucky participant the chance to use a genuine asshole as the last link in their human centipede. Nice work.

Anyways, consider this your formal apology. I'd say it to you in person but I wouldn't want to break my yearlong streak of never sharing the same 10-foot-radius as your dumb face.

Your Coworker