If The Sky Is Dark, It's Still Nighttime. Dickface.

Hey Boss,

I'm going to need you to stop calling me at 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I love a good early morning wake-up call as much as the next guy--especially since my REM cycle was already destroyed from the routine drunk calls I receive from my mentally unstable exes--but maybe you should just wait a few hours.

And I get the rationale. You want me to come into work early to do...something, I suppose. (Never sure what that is, but it always involves the word "coverage.") And the only way to alert me of this need is to call me at 5 o'clock in the morning, because you clearly don't have a more logical back-up plan in place for this kind of situation. (Don't worry, you've only been doing this for 11 months. That's not even a full year to figure out what the words "on-call" mean. It takes at least twice that time and a whole slew of charts to fully grasp this outlandish concept.)

But if you call me at 5 A.M., I then have to throw my phone against the closest available surface, where it shatters into a thousand glorious pieces, thus disengaging the alarms I've set to wake me up for work. So now there's a good chance I'm actually going to come in late rather than early.

And that's on you.

So, the next time you consider dialing my number before sunrise, I want you to think about the chain reaction that will ensue. Then I want you to throw your phone against a nearby surface so that you can't wake anybody else up that day. Otherwise, I'm going to start calling you at 3 A.M.--I'll already be up debating the merits of something called "fork stumping" with my very sensible ex--and tell you not to call me in two hours.



- Your unnecessarily tired employee


I Owe Your Face an Apology


I owe you an apology. The other day when I told you that "Your incompetence and fuck up-ery is equal only to the ugliness of that thing you call a face..." That was wrong. I shouldn't have said that.

After much deliberation with HR, I realize now that what I should have said was "Your incredible aptitude for ruining everything I might have tolerated about a given day remains your ugliest attribute. Except for that thing you call a face."

They tell me it's all in the wording.

Your coworker