Where Did All the Pens Go?

Seriously guys. What's going on here?

Every time I go to write something, there are no pens around. Where are all the pens? I shouldn't have to take a blood oath just so I can finish signing my name. I have a long name, too, you assholes. That's a lot of blood. I'd much rather use a pen.

Is there some hidden receptacle where all our pens go? Do we lose a pen every time the radio plays "Call Me Maybe"? Because I'll change the station. I'll do it. There are other radio stations that don't play that song. Not many, but they exist.

Just like the pens. There's not many, but they DO exist! They're not mythical creatures. I've seen them around our workplace. Speaking of quantity...

Let's suppose everyone who works here uses a new pen every other day. Even then, we'd be down only thirty, maybe forty pens a week. Now, I don't know the exact lifespan of a writing utensil, but if I was forced to give my expert opinion, I'd say it should last longer than a Cialis-infused erection. (The key difference is that we don't need to call a doctor if the pen still works after 6 hours.)

Help me out here guys. Where do they all go? Does someone here need pens for their off -Broadway production of "Luck Be a Ballpoint?" Is someone using them as props in their disappearing act? If so, congratulations! You're a terrific magician! But you're a shitty coworker.

My point is, I'm sick of scavenging for writing utensils like a pre-wintertime squirrel. I shouldn't have to  hoard all that sweet, sweet ink, bloating my pockets with clicky tops and twisty bottoms on the chance that I were to walk over to the pen jar and find it as depressingly empty as the soul of whoever's been thieving all of our Paper Mates!

Unless...is everyone hoarding the pens? Is there now an expectation that the pen jar will be vacant, causing us all to collect pens like kids in the 80s collected Pogs? Is that what we've become? POG COLLECTORS?

Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm coming into work tomorrow with two boxes of Bics. And if by the end of the week, there's at least one pen from that batch remaining, we're going to have a pizza party. Sound good?

So, the decision's yours: pizza or pen. Make the right choice, dummies.

- Your coworker


  1. I fiercely guard my pens under penalty of death. One recently ran out and died of natural causes. I'd had it for 10 years. I tried in vain to find a refill but apparently that's the one thing they don't sell at Staples. (They don't sell staples, either. You have to buy a new stapler.)

    I provide my own pens for work and keep them in my shirt pocket. No one has dared to test the lethality of my defenses yet. On the downside, it does require a bit of effort to keep track of your pen. Major bummer.

    The flaw in your plan is that, at the very least, you buy pens for the office. At worst, you buy pizza, too. Sounds like a lose-lose scenario. :)

    1. I'm out of practical options at this point. It's pizza party or stabbing frenzy, and I can't go back to that dank, hellish prison! Not again! Not because of stationery...again.

      I'm sorry to hear of your pen's passing. At least the two of you had a lot of good years together. The only thing you can do is try to move on, to find another pen that you can share a connection with. It's what your late pen would have wanted.

      (And seriously, Staples doesn't sell staples? I never knew...)