The Pens. It's the Pens Again.

Coworkers,

The goddamn pens are gone again.

Are we serious with this? Who's got 'em? WHO IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY HAS THE PENS?

Okay. I lost my cool there for a second. I'd like to apologize for that. I don't mean to be angry. I would just like to know where those darn pens wind up at the end of the day. Ya know? And it would please me so much if you would BRING BACK SOME FUCKING PENS!

Black ink, red ink...fill them with indigo-dyed semen if you want. I don't care! Just give them to me so I can stop scavenging the workplace like a junkie who's suddenly lost every speck of crack that has ever existed in the world.

I will give any one of you a dollar if you can provide me footage of the dick-fart who is stuffing their pockets full of our pens. Provide me with that footage and I will not have to CUT YOU ALL.

If I do not have a legitimate, non-gnawed-on pen in my hands within 24 hours, your world will be ended.

Thank you and have a nice day.
- Your coworker