Do You Want That Now? Or Just Now? How About...NOW?

Corrine,

Now. Pronto. Immediately. ASAP. Stat. At once. Straightaway. Posthaste. This instant. Make it snappy. Quickly. Quicker. YOU HAVE TO GO QUICKER!

Say it however you want, you're not getting this goddamn report any faster. I know this time of the year tends to give people grand ideas, but I'm not a magical elf. (Not even a regular one, in fact.) When you give me something to do that takes approximately one hour to execute, you have to then wait at least nine minutes before you start harassing me about why it hasn't been finished.

Don't get me wrong, once that ninth minute passes you have every reason to berate me like a dog that just shit on your favorite facial feature. Because who the fuck takes nine minutes to perform a task that normally takes 60 of those same minutes? A real piece of shit, that's who!

So at least we're on the same page with that.

But still, I'd really appreciate it if you could give me an opportunity to do the goddamn thing you just told me to do. It would certainly be mutually beneficial.

So kindly leave me alone. Now. Pronto. Swiftly. Chop, chop. Lickety-split. Double time it. Rapido! Fuck off. Faster! YOU HAVE TO FUCK OFF FASTER!

Thanks,
Your Coworker