There Are Limits to How Often You Can Call a Coworker a Butthole.

Dear Coworker,

After meeting with HR, I've been asked to issue an apology for the way I recently spoke to you.

Apparently you took offense to my calling you a "creeping liability" to our company that "will ultimately lead to the demise of our very livelihoods." And that it was out of line for me to insinuate your DNA might have been compromised when your mother's egg mistook the glaze of an apple fritter as a viable life-giving fluid. Honestly, the logic of that doesn't even make sense. (Though it would explain why you always--always--look like you just finished eating a very messy donut.)

Specifically, I've been told you took umbrage with my use of the phrases "turd-like," "butthole-ish," and "farty brains" to describe your general essence. (By the way, I don't know why I relied on such similar insults. I clearly had butts on the brain that day.) And though these were all stunningly accurate descriptors, I am willing to strike them from the record.

*But since no mention was made of the similar phrase "ass blob," I reserve the right to continue inserting it into every conversation we have. Forever.

Also, that picture I drew of you having sex with the copier was probably in poor taste. I understand that no penis could reasonably be shaped just like Hitler and that it's highly unlikely you've ever screamed "SCAN MY DICK PARTS HARD, YOU SLUT MACHINE" during coitus. For this, I sincerely apologize.  I just assumed your typical colloquialisms transferred into the bedroom/copy room. I promise I'll take the picture down by next month at the latest.

Oh, and though HR never actually mentioned this, I should also apologize for telling that girl in our office you've been wanting to ask out that I know, without a doubt, that your peep is shaped like Hitler because you frequently use it to "salute" anyone who enters the restroom after you.

That was just a butthole-ish thing to do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a follow-up meeting with HR to attend. (Heads up: Trent gets pretty bent out of shape when you say that logistic ideas like his "are probably how the Holocaust started.")

Sincerely (per HR's demand),
Your coworker