Dear Gwen,

I've been trying to figure out the best way to tell you this. It's kept me up the last few nights, actually. Don't worry though, I've been catching up on some episodes of Cheers that I missed the first time around. (That Sam Malone really is a player, isn't he?)

Ok, here's the thing: you know how, when you notice something peculiar about someone--like, say, they smell like peanut butter--you can't help but fixate on that one thing every time you see that person? You know, you want to chat about the weather or politics or that episode of Cheers you watched last night but all you keep thinking is, "why do you smell like peanut butter?" I guess what I'm trying to say is that you smell like peanut butter.

All day, every day.

I don't mean to be rude or blunt but it's just...why do you always smell like peanut butter? I honestly don't understand. The first time I smelled it on you, I figured you'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich and forgot to pop a breath mint. And then, the very next day, I smelled it again. And it was well before lunch, so unless you have frequent, midday peanut butter snack breaks, I have to suspect there's something else involved here. I don't even think it's your breath because you're not always talking when the Skippy hits my nose. It has to be, like...a part of you.

Is it your perfume? Do they make peanut butter scented perfume? What a niche market that must be.

Do you carry around little sticks of peanut butter with you? Keep 'em in your pocket in case of a peanut butter emergency or something? Or maybe you've just left an excess of peanut butter jars open around your home and the scent is now ingrained in you, chasing you around like Sam did to Diane for the first five seasons and then Rebecca for the remaining six. (Sorry, that show is just so good.)

Whatever the case, I think we should brainstorm a way to solve this. If you wanted to get together via email or Facebook or we could text or do almost anything but speak, physically, in the same room, I'd be more than happy to troubleshoot this issue.

...maybe you could start using jelly as deodorant? See, and that's just off the top of my head!

Smell ya later,
Your coworker


  1. Haha!! Maybe they grow peanuts?? Or are very handy and make their own peanut butter. I bet the roasting smell would definitely stick up a wardrobe!

    1. Ahh yes, they're trying to undercut the Skippy/Jif peanut butter wars and gain some of that market. Too bad they're advertising methods stink, though. (Literally.)

  2. Not to post on all your older blogs, but I once got lucky with a hot chick in a bar and, moments before sex at her "after party" (just her, me, and PBR at her place), she eats a pickle. That pickle and the breath that followed are the reason I faked an "orgasm" (I had a condom on and disposed of it immediately) and, more importantly, it has curbed my appetite for any and every pickle since. If she ever met this peanut butter bitch, they would clear out large sporting events, save for a few extremely, disgustingly specific fetishists.