Your "Dating" Situation

Suzanne,

I checked into that thing you wanted me to check into. (You know, the uh...the "boyfriend" thing.) And it turns out it would cost about $800 just for one night. So you tell me if you think it's worth it and I'll get back in touch with the business proprietor to let him know the when and where.

Now, just as a second thought, you realize that there are cheaper options out there, right? I mean, the "boyfriend" you were looking into was top-notch, Chippendale quality wiener. Not that I'm saying you're only interested in this type of "date" for his Dr. Strangelove, but I'm sure that's an important element. Am I right?

So, the thing is, this "boyfriend" is top tier, Dawson's Creek level of dreamy, too. And that's why the price is so outrageous. (I mean, you didn't think a dreamboat the caliber of James Van Der Beek circa 2001 with a schlong the caliber of Ron Jeremy circa 1974 was going to give up his stuff for pocket change, did you?) If you're genuinely willing to shell out the big bucks, he's just a phone call away.

However...

There are other options out there. Not to sound harsh but...do you really need a Van Der Beek? I've always pictured you more as a Joshua Jackson gal anyways, and trust me, that's still a major step up. I've never seen Joshua devour a rotisserie chicken like it was seconds away from spoiling. (Although, now that I think about it, that might be a turn-on for some guys out there.)

Still, I'm thinking we need to realistically reevaluate your expectations. For example, have you considered the gentlemen who run ads on Craigslist? They seem quite nice, aside from their gratuitous use of words like "bang" and "splooge," and they're a much more cost-effective way to get the job done. Also, there's Danny. Come on, I know you guys have had your differences in the past--and I'm sure he regrets forwarding that picture of your camel toe to the entire office--but I think if you stuck a couple drinks into him he'd be really into it. So, figure $10 at Happy Hour for a Danny or $800 on the dream hunk from the "legitimate business." (Or, like $70 for one of the Craigslist guys. Seriously, that still seems like a steal.)

Anyways, do me a favor and think about it for a little while. Maybe shoot Danny an email and get the small talk going. Then ask him to go out some night and bang.

Let me know what you decide.



- Your coworker (and pimp, apparently)