Miss Congeniality Goes Fishing

Dear Erika,

You look fine today. Not fine, as in "damn girl, you fine like a wine that's been aged for the appropriate amount of time," but, you know...okay. Perfectly adequate.

Your hair looks...there. It looks like it's still there. Nothing further to report on that.

No, there's nothing in your teeth.

Yes, it appears your skin is a bit pale. It's autumn. That's normal.

No, I wouldn't say you look fat. But I wouldn't call anyone fat. Because I'm not a complete dick. So please look to someone else for a comment on that.

Just...it's all good. Okay? If you want someone to tell you how good you look today, call your mother. I'm sure she'd be happy to say it. But stop pestering your coworkers for compliments that you are just going to shrug off by saying "Yeah right!" or "Ugh, soooooo not true" anyways. It's annoying.

Besides, you're fishing for compliments using too obvious of bait. What you'll find when you fish, in real life, is that almost nothing will bite if they believe the thing on the end of your line to be a bogus counterfeit. Why chomp down on something with the risk of having to swallow a hollow, rubbery, nutrient deprived, fake treat? Or worse, getting yanked into some desperate, self-loathing fisherman's boat with a metal hook in the roof of your mouth?

Fishermen use bait that lures the fish into believing that's a real goddamn piece of food being dangled in front of them. It has to be subtle and realistic. That's the only reason they fall for it. Catch my drift? (*All right, I promise I'm done with the fish analogies now.)

So be genuine. Be confident. And maybe don't wear so much lipstick. It kind of makes you look like a prostitute. Reelly. (**OK...now I'm done.)

Floundering over here,
Your coworker

(***Psyche! Fish puns all day long!)

No comments:

Post a Comment